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Professor Hex, Scholar of the Strange and Mysterious Professor Hex offers so many links to so many cool and occulty sites, so you can always fill your daily quota of mysterious and occulty knowledge when you need to... Please vist his wonderful blog, and enjoy!!
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Hoodoo Roots - Spirtual Supplies and Services Dara Anzlowar offers some amazing genuine hoodoo recipes, readings/spiritual services, and also some downright brilliant advice on how to work your own spells. Recommended to all! :)
Rufus Opus: Head For the Red One of the best minds in the occult world today, in my opinion, albeit Hoodoo (what I usually discuss) is not his topic of choice. This gem was one I discovered thanks to a client and I strongly recommend his blog to all who are interested in things suchas working with angels, demons, Enochianism, Golden Dawn and talismanic magic (there really is a nice mash of brain food to be had). Great stuff!
I was surprised just by the reaction I got from clients seeing this in my announcements, so if you wanted some beneficial astrology to do obsessive love work in (because it's Friday and the moon is waxing - both good for love, just in general,) right now it is really a good time for that (in my opinion,) because Scorpio is ruling a lot of the planets. :)
However, if you just wanted a heads up, you have it! :)
10p EST - I have ONE (maybe 2 if you don't contact me too late,) spots left for casting tonight. I would LOVE to fill the last open spot. I will take $20 off that price if you want to purchase it. Please let me know ASAP, and I will remove this notice if/when I fill it. Otherwise, I'm really really really happy with the turn out. Other than someone really needing a file reference at a pretty bad time for that (it's okay, it happens, and all went smoothly all the same,) tonight has gone amazingly well, and I'm really impressed. I would love to finish out the night with one more spell. Please let me know ASAP if you're interested. :D
Q: Can you tell me which is a better "sign" - the candle burning slow, or the candle burning fast?
A: To be fair, some people read a slow burn as a good sign, and by slow, I mean uber super slow. I do not take it as a positive, personally.
You're thinking "Cat, how in the fuck would I know it's burning slow?" Well, see, that might take you being familiar with how that brand or style of candle burns. I burn so many candles that I do actually have some idea how long each lasts. HOWEVER, if you don't have that sort of information available, you might consult the manufacturer. Most candle sellers will post "approximately (x) hours burn time."
So, if I'm burning a candle that takes 12 hours on average to burn itself out, and it burns 36 hours? I take that as a sign that the work has A LOT to overcome and may not manifest. However, in the same situation, if I'm burning a 12 hour candle and it burns 15 hours, I actually do not view that as being a bad thing (or even a good thing.)
If the candle burns overly fast (again consult your own familiarity with that brand/style of candle or the manufacturer's suggested burn time,) I don't take that as a super great sign, but it has it's own meaning. So, if I'm burning a 12 hour candle and it burns out in 2 hours, that probably means a fast result, HOWEVER it can also mean the results will be short-lived or tenuous. ALSO if there is a lot of herb matter on the candle, that might just mean you over-did it on the herbs, and the candle went up quickly (ergo, do not take it as a form of chieromancy.)
Since there is often some confusion here, "Seven day" glass encased candles more often than not burn around five to five and a half days. That's not a fast burn.
If you experience extremely slow burn, when your candle has burned out, burn another candle on the same situation. If you experience extremely fast burn, I would also run another candle spell soon thereafter to reinforce the energy (so as it's not so *possibly* tenuous.)
I could never pick out one thing that annoys me most about working with clients, just like I can't say I can pick out the things I like best, either. Both are incredibly varied. ;)
However, the most current trend in my inbox at this writing seems to be the "I'm incapable of ever seeing anything in a positive light," trend, a.k.a. "I am worried over the most trivial of contrary events, so God forbid anything actually scary should happen during this manifestation phase" problem. Therefore, I give this offering unto my reading public in the hopes that someone, - anyone - will learn through me what I had to learn through experience. And that is the following:
ROLL WITH THE PUNCHES! You know that stupid phrase, "When life hands you lemons, make lemonade?"( Yes, I know I usually say "If life doesn't also hand you sugar and water, your lemonade sure is going to taste like shit," but just stick with me here.) I'm sure you've all heard it, and if you haven't, well...it basically means if you get stuck with a situation you find to be less than optimal, use what you DO HAVE to make something good out of it.
Is your reconciliation target acting distant? Well, let them be distant. One thing I've learned in life is that smothering anyone you have romantic feelings for (or even just friend feelings for,) is the surest way to kill a flame of love, friendship, or desire. When you get punched with "feeling like the target is ignoring me," then why not roll back with "Go out and be seen having a fabulous time without the target"? I dunno about you, but when I see people having a fabulous time without me, I feel a little left out. I might want to join in. That might cause me to warm up to someone, so that I can get in on the fun next time. :P
And that's what I mean when I say, "roll with the punches." It's up to you to make the best of what you've got. Magic might be working for you, but if you don't work with it, and don't learn to work with what IS going on, don't expect it to manifest spectacularly every time. You need to be capable of working with your spellwork instead of freezing up every time something you don't expect happens.
USE YOUR MIND TACTICALLY RATHER THAN WASTING YOUR ENERGY ON USELESS WORRY. Remember that time I told you that worry is the most useless thing that ever existed (although Kanye West may actually be more useless, and also I'm pretty sure tits on a bull are AT LEAST equally as useless as worry,) and you were like "O, really, Cat? But if I don't worry, I will totes like not see a bad thing coming!" and then I told you that you were wrong? (Note: if you ever contacted me there is a 9 out of 10 chance we had this conversation.) So, if you don't remember that, or if it never happened that we did have that conversation, allow me to say it, briefly, here...
Worry is basically you plotting all the ways you can fail, and then getting excited about failing. I mean, you're actually getting a thrill on the idea of failure, which is why you keep engaging in worry. I'm not really sure how that's helpful. Imagine if you got in your car right now, put on your seat belt, and the moment you put on that seat belt, you thought of all the ways it might fail, or maybe how it could malfunction and slice you in half, and while you turn on the engine you think of how the car could explode, and then you think of how another car might hit the back of your car as you pull out into the street, and...
You don't do that, right? I mean, if you're thinking of every awful thing that could very well happen at any moment, you have a problem called an "anxiety disorder." Most of us, however, would put on our seat belt (not out of fear of dying or getting a ticket, but out of habit,) start the car, and would maneuver ourselves around in the vehicle while staying aware of the other drivers and traffic. So, if someone pulls out in front of you unexpectedly, you hit the breaks, or steer a bit to the right to avoid them - you do NOT fail to adjust what you're doing merely because something unexpected happened (so that's panic,) but you tactically adjust your own vehicle to avoid disaster.
How is life any different? What makes you think spellwork and your own actions and opportunities during the manifestation phase are any different? If you sit there, paralyzed by fear and panic and worry, imagining terrible outcomes for your spellwork, how are you going to be able to adjust your own actions tactically to be most beneficial to your situation, and how will you find the opportunities the spell is making for you?
SEEK OPPORTUNITIES. There's also an old joke that goes like this... A man is standing on the roof during a torrential downpour, watching the neighborhood flood. He prays "Lord, please help save me from this terrible flood. It has already reached past the first floor of my home, and is climbing closer to the roof." Just then his neighbor comes up with a boat, and says "Bob, get in the boat and I'll take you to higher ground!" The man says "No can do, I'm waiting for God to save me! I'll just keep praying." The neighbor shakes his head, and drives the boat off. About a half an hour later, with the water now climbing up the edges of the roof, another neighbor shows up with a life raft, paddling furiously. "Bob," he says to the praying man, "Get in, and we'll get out of here!" The praying man looks up and says "No, no, the Lord will save me, I just need to have faith in Him," and goes back to praying. About an hour later the water is almost up to the man's waist. He's standing on his tip toes when a helicopter soars overhead. "HEY, DOWN THERE!" an army man says to the praying man on the roof. "Grab this rope and I'll save you! You don't have much time!" The praying man looks up and says, "No, the Lord will save me! Thanks anyhow!" And waves the helicopter off. Anyhow, the praying man drowns, and when he gets to Heaven, he says "Lord, why did you not save me?" and God replies "Well, I did send a boat, a raft, and helicopter - what else did you want!?"
It's a given that people miss opportunities...of course some make opportunities that don't exist as well (I actually term those as "flopportunities" because, generally, you're not really going to succeed, you just are going out on a limb, and are about to flop right on your face, metaphorically.) ;) But let's focus on those who miss opportunities. Why is it that something HAS TO happen in the way you believe it should? Are you more invested in HOW it happens and WHY it happens, or are you more invested in the thing you want happening? In the above, Bob wants to be rescued from a flood, but he's too invested in HOW he gets rescued. He's not at all thinking about saving himself, he wants God to come down and lift him physically out of the water, therefore missing all of the opportunities God is sending to rescue him.
So, you want a job selling cars, and you do a spell to get a job selling cars. If you *think* you prefer Jimbo and Sons Ford and Mercury, and you apply there (despite that you cast a spell for THE BEST CAR SELLING JOB SUITED TO YOU, and not specifically for Jimbo and Sons' employment) does your spell "fail" if Jimbo rejects your application, but Benson's Hondas wants to employ you? I do know people who will literally tear their hair right out and scream "MY SPELL FAILED!" the moment Jimbo rejected their application. They will not seek another opportunity, they will not assume another one exists, and they will decide magic doesn't work.
FAILURE IS POSSIBLE, BUT THAT DOESN'T MEAN IT'S PROBABLE. One of the things I see all too often is that someone is faced with what I like to term a "trivial contrary," OR what they see as a "huge red flag of danger," the person in question immediately panics, rather than seeking an opportunity or tactically maneuvering themselves so that the situation does not up-end their spellwork.
Now, what is a "trivial contrary?" This is most often just not getting the expected response (generally something small,) or encountering an event that seems contradictory to your desired end (but doesn't have to be,) which is not alarmingly contradictory, just..well, not in sync with what you expected.
If things don't visibly seem to be going your way, why is it that you need to immediately assume it's going to fail? Doesn't that kind of propel you towards failure? If I'm in love with a male friend of mine, for example, and he doesn't show me the affection I want him to, should I assume my spell isn't working? What if he's just not telling me because he's insecure? What if he's not telling me because I've rejected him in the past? What if he's not telling me because he worries we'd make a bad match? None of this means my spell isn't working, it means my target is holding back. If I just assume everything is a lack of results or isn't working, I'm blinding myself with lust for results. But let's throw a more "alarming" kind of "trivial contrary," into the mix... Let's say I've texted my target, asking him if he would like to go grab a beer. Historically, my target likes beer, and likes having beers with me, but he replies with "Not tonight, maybe another time." DID MY SPELL FAIL? OMIGOD OMIGOD NOTHING IS WORKING! CAT REASSURE ME! Oh, sorry, I was channeling one of my clients for a moment... Well, that's definitely not fun. We'd all like it if our target responded with "I like beer, and drinking beer, and the chance to get drunk with you," but it's not always going to pan out like that. So, if that happens and I wait a few days, maybe I find out that my target's mother had been in surgery that night, or he had to stay late at a meeting or a class, or he just had other plans which were of greater importance than getting a beer with me. Maybe the target will ask me out for a beer a few days later. :P
My point here is, why are you so frazzled over the little stuff? Too many of you are. It's not always going to work where you won't have trivial contrary incidents during your manifestation phase. Panicking never helps, and assuming the worst doesn't either. Even if your spell IS NOT WORKING or DOES NOT WORK, no one is dead or dying. You can cast another spell. So, roll with the punches, seek opportunities, and don't sweat the small stuff...you'll be successful more times than you're not if you take this advice.
THE MOST-LIKELY SOURCE TO DISCOVER IF YOU'LL BE SUCCESSFUL IS JUST LOOKING AT YOUR OWN BEHAVIOR. If you ball up in fear the moment anything happens, you'll probably fail. If you suspect the worst anything anything "contrary" happens, you'll probably fail. If you worry a lot, you'll probably fail. If you are prone to panic, you'll probably fail.
Pretty easy, huh?
I hope this has been educational, kids. :)
PS- One of the best parts of writing this article was that in less than 4 hours after posting it, no less than seven people came in complaining about trivial events that were "worrisome" to them, and wanted me to reassure them. *facepalm*
Seeing so much asshattery in my inbox gave me an idea...how about we do a little test. ;) I'm sure I will have a lot of anti-fans but after the last month and a half I had of people totally not following directions or acting like they couldn't fight their way out of a wet paper bag ("Cat someone like, told me that, like, he said I'm a nice person! NICE! Nice isn't sexy! WAAAHHHHH!!!!") I'm afraid this was a long time coming. I hope I don't hurt too many feelings but it's possible. Please read the note at the end before getting too upset.
Part 1: Multiple Guess
Q: You find your situation has taken a non-dramatic turn of events for less than 48 hours (for example, your love interest hasn't returned your call or text, or your did a money spell and new business hasn't come in for 24 hours when it had been coming in steadily.) Do you:
a. Totally freak out and think the spell is broken, and perhaps instantly inform your worker (if you solicited outside help,) that the work is going down hill, and/or instantly run to your altar and cast another spell, and/or bitch everything is ruined and give up.
b. Totally freak out, and worry and analyze what might be wrong. You know you're "thinking the work to death," but damnit, you can't stop.
c. Not even really notice, because, like, whatevers. If it changes back, great, if not, well it worked for a bit.
d. Notice, but do not assume the worst. You'll keep an eye on it, but you realize it's probably nothing.
Q: While doing a love spell, you notice that, directly after spellcasting, your love-interest is actually with someone else (something you'd not realized when you cast the spell.) Do you:
a. Decide this is a sign that you're a complete failure and instantly give up.
b. Decide this is a sign you're not meant to have what you want, and continue to mentally revisit the situation with anguish, imagining them together, all the while hoping the target will love you more.
c. Not really care, because, well, whatever, if it's meant to happen, it will, right?
d. Notice, but do not assume the worst. You might do some work to get rid of the other person if you're THAT interested in the target, but for a week or two, you're just going to hang back and let that love spell do it's magic...because you're assuming it will.
Q: Directly after doing a spell to get more money, you receive a large, unforeseen bill. Do you:
a. Assume this is a sign that God/dess/The Universe/The Almighty/Jupiter/Mercury/etc hates you more than anyone else, and run out of your house pulling out your hair and screaming "Why do my fucking spells never work! FUCK! FUCK!" and/or instantly inform your practitioner that they are a huge scam.
b. Worry ceaselessly that this is just going to take anything your money spell might bring you, that is IF it ever works at all, then sit there worrying it will work.
c. Not really care, because like, who pays bills anyhow, right? Haha.
d. Notice, but do not assume the worst. Obviously, you'll have to pay this bill, but your windfall from your spell might be greater than anticipated and if you JUST received this bill it was probably en route before you even cast your spell as is, so it's probable that this has nothing to do with your money spell work.
Part 2: True/False
1. If you deviate from instructions given to you, the results should be the same.
2. If you work against something happening in the mundane (for example, telling a reconciliation target to eat shit and die during the manifestation phase,) that should not effect your spellwork.
3. Spells are guaranteed to work. There is no way they can fail. Certain types anyhow.
4. Faith in the work is irrelevant.
Part 3: Working with a practitioner:
1. Your practitioner requires daily updates about everything (True/False)
2. It doesn't at all sound like you want free services when you complain months later that nothing happened (True/False)
3. There is such a thing as not enough updates. (True/False)
4. You get drunk and text your reconciliation target in a moment of drunken badness. While the resulting conversation was not actually negative, it went against your practitioner's instructions. Do you:
a. Decide you must have ruined everything, and give a quivering and sobbing confession to your practitioner.
b. Worry you ruined everything, but keep the event secret so as not to upset your practitioner and make them angry. What they don't know can't hurt them, right?
c. Figure whatever. If it wasn't meant to happen, you wouldn't call. You won't bother telling the practitioner, either.
d. Tell your practitioner what happened, and wait for their reply. If it effected the work, they should know, but since it went well, you're hoping it's not going to negatively impact the work.
5. You had someone do a business success working for you, but part of it required you to ritually clean your place of business. You don't complete the task of the ritual cleaning. Do you:
a. Blame the practitioner for not working hard enough when the spell is not successful, but never admit to not doing the ritual cleansing.
b. Admit you never finished the ritual cleansing a few months later when the spell is not successful.
c. Lie and say you completed the cleaning, but say perhaps the "bad energy" was too strong, and ask for a recast (paid or unpaid.)
d. Understand you're the reason for your own failure, and do not trouble that worker again as you are too irresponsible to be trusted.
6. You find yourself curious about an occult topic entirely unrelated to what you've paid your practitioner to do for you. Do you:
a. Ask them and take up tons of their time unpaid for free education.
b. Ask them if they will teach you something about it, and offer to pay.
c. Ask them for resources on the topic, which is a brief request, but don't offer to pay.
d. Silently say nothing because whatever.
Mostly a's - NEVER get work done. You're too reactive and you're a pain in the ass. You'll be your own worst enemy. Until you calm down and learn some stillness of mind, you will be an inept spellcaster, and an obnoxious client.
Mostly b's - NEVER get work done. You will have horrible lust for results and think it unto death. You're too prone to worry and the worst candidate for spellwork. You will drive a practitioner nuts.
Mostly c's - There is such a thing as "too chill," and you're way too chill. :P You need to take some interest and notice in your life. I'm pretty sure if your work manifested, you'd not even notice. Perhaps put down the bong for five minutes, then retake the test. ;)
Mostly d's - You have a handle on what's going on. Not everything is worth a panic or even bringing it to someone's attention. It's fine to notice changes, but you're not going to over-dramatize or over-analyze any situation prematurely. You are a practitioner's dream client.
All answers are properly false.
1. All instructions are paramount to the spell working. 2. You need to do whatever you can to work WITH your spell. You can easily get in your own way when it comes to spellwork, and definitely telling off a reconciliation target is not going to be reconciliatory. 3. There are no guaranteed spells that work no matter what. It doesn't matter what kind, what someone did, or anything like that. From candleburning to spirit conjure, spell-failure is always a possibility. 4. Faith is hugely relevant to spellwork.
1. Your practitioner probably hates daily updates because they rarely bring new news, so false. 2. False. The only thing I see when I read "nothing worked" more than 60 days since the last time I spoke to the client is "give me free shit," and I can honestly say many of my peers have told me that's what they infer, too. Sorry, I realize that isn't nice...but maybe if you know we just see "give me free or reduced cost work," you might rephrase what you're saying. It's sort of like if I was a doctor and gave you chemo, and your cancer came back, do you expect the next round free? Because spells are like a medical treatment, and they don't always take. OFTEN, unfortunately, this is also the hallmark of a client who the spell did work for, they just have since behaved badly and now need more work. 3. True. We need SOME updates. Don't complain several months later that nothing happened. I've had people complain 6 months after a spell casting that nothing happened, when if they had told me it was floundering at week 3, a simple kick in the butt would have righted the situation (because it was moving forward, then started to flounder a bit at week 3.) It's good to check in every 2 weeks at least, OR at the appointed time requested by your spellcaster. 4. D is the best answer. Sure, you effed up, but if it's a big deal you should tell your spellcaster. 5. All of the choices suck. There is no right answer. Once you didn't follow instructions, you failed. I guess own up to it immediately is the right answer. ;) 6. b or c are both good answers. Most people are happy to give a quick point in the right direction, but if you need added time, you should pay for it.
Listen, I understand that many people are new to spells, excited by spells, scared by spells or just don't know what to do. When working with clients, I tell people it's best to check in every few weeks at least, but even once a week is usually fine. I've had people who would let me know every thought they had (bad) to people who tell me months later that there wasn't enough effect or an effect (which, then, even if I believe them from knowing them, I'm left with a situation where any impact I may have had has probably ceased influencing the situation.)
If you want something to work and you're doing the work yourself?
1. HAVE FAITH IN YOURSELF. The road will not always be free of obstacles, and little annoyances can and do happen. Don't see every momentary hurdle as a bad sign. If I'm hiking up a mountain, I don't see every point where the trail gets rough as that meaning the trail doesn't exist or I'm lost - I navigate wisely, and generally the trail returns to normal again...it's the same idea. It can get rough here or there, but it's 20 paces and you're back to an easy walk again. People who see any possible "contrary" movement in their situation as "a bad sign" are not going to do well in spellcasting. They are the hiker who won't make it up the proverbial mountain for 20 paces of rough terrain being "too scary" to navigate without declaring failure. Don't be that person.
2. FOLLOW INSTRUCTIONS. If you're too lazy or you just don't care enough to follow the instructions given for any working, than don't freaking even bother spellcasting and wasting your time. ;)
3. WORK WITH THE SPELL. One thing, even in spirit-conjure, that any good magician does is looks for opportunities to help the work manifest. Don't go fighting with a love target and complain the love spell didn't work. Don't spend all the money that money spell brought in and complain it didn't cover the bill you needed covering. Work WITH your spellwork.
4. USE TACTICS. If you want to attract the opposite (or same) sex, be clean, dress nice, and do things in the mundane that attract them. Don't be boorish/gross. If you want the love of a particular person, don't be smothery or creepy, but don't ignore them either. If you want the job, don't sleep with the boss's daughter then recount what a whore she is to the boss... ;) (See number 3) Use that brain and all those things you learned.
I do hope this was a slightly amusing and interesting (and educational) test and instructive post. If you hate me for it...well, keep in mind - I've taught A LOT of people to stop engaging in bad behaviors, and I've helped a lot of people learn to cast spells. Ultimately, I can offer the information, but they need to be the ones to use it properly.
All content except picture of Buddha with funny saying copyright 2014 OriginalNinjaCat and cannot be copied, pasted, transmitted and/or used without my express and written permission.
Picture of Buddha with funny saying found on Facebook. I assume the pic is old enough to be in the free domain, but if the funny saying part is your work, and you want it removed, please just let me know immediately and I will remove it.
Time to answer another round of questions which have been plaguing my inbox. ;) Hope this is educational for some of you.
Q: What, in your opinion, is the single best skill to start working on for a new magician/rootworker/spellcaster?
A: I answer this question probably every few years, and while some of it is truly retaining information (a practiced practitioner DOES NOT consult a book throughout ritual for the whole of the ritual) I do believe meditation and learning focus of the will and mind (usually through the practice of meditation,) is hugely important.
Here's the thing: every single paradigm (that is type) of spellcraft you might want to practice can be improved by your meditating and learning meditation. You don't have to practice Hoodoo, you don't have to practice Quimbanda, you don't have to practice Enochian - but any of those three and any other paradigm you might choose for yourself will be improved when you start learning to focus via meditation, and continued daily meditation will only improve your abilities.
Q: I really enjoyed your "Magical screw up" story (regarding using Mars with reconciliation)! Do you have more of those? It's sort of a learning experience for me to see someone practiced can screw up.
A: I have more than a few, but most of them are also quite the view into my personal life as a young person...while that doesn't really bother me, I do have to account for the fact that some people I'm still close with, and many people I love (whether or not we remain close to this day,) who were with me and on my mind at that time are going to feel I'm telling too much about them as well.
It's not actually bizarre for anyone (even someone past the novice stage) to "screw up" or have a silly mistake, and/or a relatively humorous event occur here and there. About ten years ago, I lit my sleeve on fire while lighting a seven-day glass-encased candle. I was keeping my mind focused and doing my chant while trying to put my sleeve out - I suspect that was visually humorous. ;) There's the time I went on a reconnaissance to get a physical item from a target which ended up being something from his mother. There was the time an exploding plate (which was fill of spell candles) blew up, and a flying piece shattered my TV (the old box kind, not a flat screen.) All of these are at least humorous in retrospect. ;)
Q: Without psychic ability, can you tell a spell will fail?
A: Honestly, yes, I often can tell just by someone's behavior before, during, and after the work itself is complete. Anyone who whines, can't follow directions, can't take their mind off of the working, can't take their mind off of the situation being worked on, and who "gets in their own way" constantly will rarely get what they want. Sincerely, whining is like a giant glowing red flag of someone who won't ever succeed, and probably won't succeed at anything mundane, much less magical.
However, past the douchebag who won't stop bitching problem, there's always just the absolutely absurd request. Sometimes, regardless of what you do, what you want is outside of your Sphere of Availability, and so much so, you will not be able to reach it using spells. For example, trying to grow another 4 fingers (two on each hand!!) using spells is probably not going to happen. ;)
Another telling sign is how defensive a person gets if rejected. For example, if you say "Cat will you please help increase my income," and I look into the situation, and feel I won't meet your expectations, so I politely say no (so presumably, you've also acted nice and normal up to this point,) and you react by telling me off and having a severe hissy fit, and telling me I can't do shit...you already know you'll never get what you want. You had that premonition come to you long before you came to me. People who are very defensive about no already KNOW they aren't going to succeed, even with spells. Every human has a bit of precognition, and I assure you, that person wouldn't be so defensive, rude, and upset if they didn't already know for a fact that they were fighting a losing battle. :/
Q: Have you ever done anything, spellwise, that worked, that you regret?
A: I don't really know that I regret too many things I've done. I guess this is because, personally, I think it's sort of a stupid way to live one's life to regret having made bad choices, - at least as far as I can tell, - because, at least by my own definition of the term "regret," this just means you've not accepted and come to terms with something. :P And if I did something that was "bad"? Well, I mean, I have forgiven myself long ago for making those mistakes. I think it's ridiculous that someone beats themselves up over fucking up their life or someone else's for years of time after so doing whatever thing to fuck up their life. I just don't feel that way about things for very long. It's not to say I've never done something stupid or embarrassing or even needlessly hurtful. It's not to say I've never looked back on my actions and wondered what the fuck I was thinking, or realized I was being a turd. I've just come to terms with just about everything in my life, I've learned how to do better or be a better person from all those experiences, and so I don't regret any part of it. I can't say I'm proud of some of those things, or that I now think I did the right thing, I just own it, take responsibility for who I was, accept it all, and move on.
Sure, I've hurt people with curses that I probably should not have hurt like that for the "crimes" they did against me (I also didn't curse some people who really deserved to be cursed, too.) Those curses worked very well, and those people got what was coming to them and then some. Sure, I've brought back exes I should have left in the past, but I wasn't ready to let go and so I got my second chance and saw that I should let them go. I'm a human like everyone else, I fuck up, and I do bad or selfish things sometimes. It's all part of learning to be a better, less-selfish person who does less embarrassing, and/or selfish, and/or mean things by knowing from experience that doing those things or spellcasting to those ends will not bring me happiness.
Anyone who regrets his or her choices for an extended period of time has not yet come to terms with their own mistakes (at least by my definition of "regret,") and, in my opinion, needs to spend some time focusing on why this still effects them enough to make them feel regret. It's one thing to say "That was pretty stupid/shitty of me to do that," another to still feel a twang of regret or pain when remembering the event.
I'm not some mystical stone-hearted robot by any stretch of the imagination. Some times things hurt me longer than they should, but I find that time will help me get over just about anything. It can take a few months, even a few years, but everything I've ever done and experienced made me who I am today, and I like who I am.
I guess...I wish I could save some of the loved ones that I have lost - or kept them from experiencing a slow death if that was their end. In all cases, I had nothing to do with their passing or what caused them to pass on, but that's really all I regret in life... It's not having those people with me, or that they suffered - and I couldn't prevent that - before they moved on. Since it has nothing to do with a magic spell, I can't say that it's regarding anything magical. If I could go back in time and save those folks from pain and/or death, I surely would, and I miss them every day...otherwise, no regrets here. :P
That said, if you want to prevent yourself from "regrets," assuming you're the type to hold on to things, then don't do anything mean or cruel or selfish unless you're sure you're justified. Think about it for a week before you curse someone. Think about it for a week before you use coercive spells. Think about how much of your time you are dedicated to bringing something to you, and if you're sure it will be worth that investment before you devote yourself. I can't be the judge to tell you if what you want will be meaningful enough to make that time investment or to take that action. Only you can decide.
Q: I hear it's evil to work against someone's free will using spells, and that my "karma" will be effected. What do you think?
A: Please notice I put quotes around karma, because I don't think you know or understand what karma actually is if you say this to me. Now, I'm going out on a limb here, and I am going to assume you're not a practicing Buddhist (and I don't mean you read a book once, or use Buddhist elements in things, - I mean you are not a practicing Buddhist,) or a practicing Hindu (again, some elements of Hinduism in your spiritual life do not make you a Hindu.) Since I'm assuming you're neither practicing Hindu or Buddhist, I'm also going to let you know that I'm assuming you're a basic Western-hemisphere resident as well, and probably one who is naive enough to believe that karma means "That which you do in this life will have some spiritual effect in this life, like doing a good thing, brings more good things, and doing bad things brings more bad things (both as a form of spiritual reward,) generally within the next few weeks but at least within this lifetime." That is not what karma means. Loosely, karma means that which you do in this life - or I should say, that which you learn or fail to learn, that which you accomplish or fail to accomplish...because it's not really about good and bad, - will effect your next incarnation.
So, if you do a coercive spell, maybe it will effect your next incarnation. I'm a Catholic, so I'm the wrong person to ask. You might try asking a Buddhist monk, or a Hindu sage.
I personally do not believe using coercive spells to be "evil," and while I understand this was (and perhaps still is) at one-time a widely-promoted idea to keep newbies from "hurting others and themselves," I'm not that kind of teacher. I am not the "everyone gets an award so no one gets hurt" type of person. If you're going to do something stupid, at least you might learn from it. :P And, here's the thing, I'll let you know if you're about to do something stupid, but then, I'm not going to stop you from using coercion because I don't think its use makes you stupid...to be fair, I won't even stop you from doing something stupid except to tell you that you're being stupid. In fact, working ass-backwards to avoid being coercive is, in my opinion, kind of stupid. I know, I know, I used "stupid" too much in this paragraph, which is kind of stupid of me. :)
So, where exactly did this "Do not work against someone's free will, OR ELSE!" idea come from? I would chance a guess that's Wicca, the less-than-100-years-old religion which was created by Gerald Gardner. Since magic pre-dates this religion by A HELL OF A FUCKING LOT (hint: magic is thousands of years old!) I'm pretty sure that, if you're not a Wiccan, or some form of neo-pagan sect which evolved off of Wicca, that you're pretty free and clear of having any sort of Wicca religious beliefs apply to you. HOWEVER, if you're Wiccan, check with your priest and/or priestess to see how you are apply the "Wiccan Rede" to your spellwork, as some people do not use the whole rede, just the first part. I was taught it was "If you harm none, do as you will; if you harm some do as you must." So, I mean, you can protect yourself and all, as that's a MUST, it's just you're not supposed to go all harming and coercing if it's unneeded and you're a Wiccan. Oh, and as I said, some sects only use the first part, and you're supposed to never hurt anyone and turn all the cheeks you got and never protect yourself apparently.
For the rest of us who are not practicing Wicca or Wicca-derived religions, I say apply some ethics in your decision-making skills, certainly, but no, casting coercive spells is not inherently evil, and I can't speak of what it will do for your karma because I don't know if it effects your next incarnation. The widely-promoted belief that using coercion is bad did really start infecting minds around when Wicca's popularity soared back in the 1990's, so I'm going to assume using controlling spells is bad for Wiccans. Everyone else? We're all cool. Go effect some free will and all. ;)
Q: Do you think working with saints is like spirit conjure?
A: Nope. I think it's praying to saints is what I think it is. I put it up on about the same level as people who ask deceased friends and family for assistance by praying to them, because basically, it's the same thing. While not all saints are people-spirits, the vast majority did walk this earth as people, so there's that to consider (A LOT of spirit-conjure involves never-human spiritual entities.) If this saint is recognized by the Catholic church, I can also reasonably say it's not a being so dangerous to contact that I'd avoid so doing unless you are doing so out of great necessity, as well...whereas I can think of several spirits I'd say "Don't do it unless you havta," about. ;) Basically, it's a very safe practice, and you are asking the assistance of spiritually-powerful individuals on asking the Almighty for a favor on your behalf - they intercede on your behalf. It isn't calling something never-human out of goodness-only-knows-where (the ether? the cthonic realms?) to do something for you, it's asking a being who was probably human in life to put in a good word for you with the head of the Universe to accomplish a certain end. While it works quite nicely when you pray to saints to bring about that which you've wished for, it's like comparing leaves and grass in regards to spirit conjure.
Somewhat unrelated, but if you contact me to ask me which saint is best for your problem, I'll tell you to go consult one of the many guides to what saints are patrons of that exist on the internet. I'm not a guide to saints. There are these lovely places called churches where you might find clergy more willing to assist you. :) Since some knob who thinks I'm a free search engine for anything spiritual or magical asks me this at least once a month, I figured I'd just throw this out there.
Q: What is the longest ever span of time you ever heard of someone reconciling an ex? (I mean from when they broke up to got back together, so like how long?)
A: Well, non-magically, it was like 20-25 years. I mean, no one used a spell but the couple broke up something like 25 years before and got back together.
Magically, I guess it was 5-6 years. One case might be 8 years. In both cases, the petitioner had previously given up on the ex for several of those years, so it wasn't straight years of spellcasting.
Q: Can I reuse a witness sample/bio item/picture?
A: I don't feel that you can, no. If you print out a new picture (but it's the same image, just a new print of it,) that's fine, but you can't reuse the same hair or spitwad repeatedly and pull out of spells for re-use, in my opinion.
Hope that was educational. I know it was a lot of repeats, but as I always say, we'd have a lot less of those if people just weren't so lazy and read the archives. ;)
The above question floated into my emailbox this past week, and since I suspect some of you are curious, I'll just publicly answer this to the best of my ability.
Please keep in mind, the human mind and human emotions are as complex and varied as can be. I can't list all of the reasons (because there would be, I presume, an almost infinite number thereof,) but I can try to enlighten everyone as to some of the more popular reasons love-spell targets hide their reactions or why you might get a "weird, partial" manifestation.
Let's start with REGULAR OLD LOVE SPELLS (not reconciliation):
Fear of rejection - Most people fear having their romantic pursuits rejected, and fear this rejection to varying degrees. Remember, if you really have your heart on your sleeve, it can be crushing to hear the other party doesn't feel similarly. So, if you've been using spellwork to strum those tender heart-strings in your target, they may very well worry they are about to get emotionally-crushed by your rejection when they admit their crush on you. :P
It's how we're raised to act - People tend to forget this when they use love-spells... At least in my culture, and how I was raised, we are told to not make ourselves so vulnerable by letting our feelings be known. If I love so-and-so, but I think he is unawares, then I should not be overt about my feelings. If I am, then I must be clingy, or unstable, or just stupid. By being overt, I'm going to give an idea of emotional vulnerability, and with no signal from the object of my affections that this is welcome, I may be making a fool of myself. These are the things your target may very well think when they become effected by your work.
There's a big smelly obstacle in the way - Sometimes the problem is not so much a fear of rejection or a fear of showing emotional-vulnerability, but rather, there is something which prohibits the target from properly showing his or her affections... For example, perhaps his/her friend is also interested in you, and they feel it would harm their friendship with this person to make a move. Perhaps you both work in the same job, and there is a rule at that workplace which prohibits co-workers from dating. Maybe you're just a jerk and you're married and you're trying to get the love of someone who won't make a move on a married person - or on the other side of that, perhaps you're a jerk who goes after married people and your target would never cheat on his/her spouse. Maybe your intended doesn't believe in long-distance relationships, and you both live 8 hours apart.
They're just not that (sexually) into you - I've seen people cast love spells and end up with a great pal, but nothing else. While you can definitely enflame lust into a person, there are times where you're only going to get so far. :P If you keep pushing your target, and finding even adding in some lust work is not giving you great results, I want you to consider something...perhaps you have chosen someone so far outside of your sphere of availability that you're going to get a bad reaction when and if you get this person into bed. I can think of an incident where a male friend of mine tried working love spells on me for years, but honestly, I found him about as sexually exciting as a root canal, which is to say, not at all. I was not, in the least, attracted. However, we became very good friends, which is why he confessed to me later that he'd been working mojos on me for awhile, and finally given up. :P I never said as much to him, but if I'd woken up in bed with him one morning, that would be the end of our friendship...the idea of sleeping with him was so adverse to me. So, his spells worked - I loved him very much as a friend, but I'd decided well before he started turning a root on me that there was no chance for us to be lovers. I don't know if he focused on lust whatsoever, to be fair, but I never considered him boyfriend material. ;)
They're just not that (romantically) into you - Ah, the friend-zone...it's not the world's worst place to be, because you can hang out with the object of your affection, but you do have to realize no one owes you sex or romantic love for just being their friend (and I do hope you are truly their friend despite not getting lust or romantic love,) and sometimes all of us will get totally "friend-zoned." While some may argue (and be correct in certain instances) that you can leave the friend-zone and enter into the relationship-zone, this isn't always the case, spells or no. In my experience, it's easier to get someone's sexual attentions using spells than it is to get their romantic attentions. If you keep tossing love spells at a friend, and just keep finding yourself with a better friend who doesn't want to be in love with you, there's a possibility that you've been permanently friend-zoned. See above, regarding sex, but also consider lots of people have sex with their friends (it's called "friends with benefits"). If just having a sexual encounter with this person will upset you all the more (because you are in love,) consider that as well...you might just end up in bed with your friend, or losing a friend you took to bed. See, your friend might not have a problem doing the horizontal mambo with you, but they might not want to date you...because you're such a good friend. :/
They're just not capable of having a normal relationship with anyone - Some people are just broken, and I don't mean they are necessarily bad people. Bad assoholic psychopaths have relationships all of the time. In fact, bad assoholic people often are the reason other people can't have normal relationships. If your target shows a pattern of always dating 2 people at once, a fear of commitment, dishonesty, etc, you may have someone who really just isn't capable of a mutually-exclusive or normal romantic relationship with anyone. Spellwork doesn't make a person suddenly not have all of the emotional problems and personality quirks that made them hard to get to commit before. Rather, it uses the path of least resistance. So, if someone is always cheating on you, then maybe you use a love spell, and now they love you more and still cheat on you. More on that in a bit.*
ONTO RECONCILIATION SPELLS:
Everything under Love Spells - Yep, everything I listed under the love spell header above could be a possible problem, but also...
Maybe you're scary to them - Are you being scary? Right now, are you acting all insane and weepy and scary? Don't do that. Did you chase your ex around with an axe? Do something violent? That was bad. Threaten suicide? That was wrong. All of this is very wrong, and you shouldn't do those things. Calling/texting repeatedly? Bad. In fact, don't email or post or leave bad stuff in writing. People go back and re-read that stuff. They get more scared and more angry by it when they do. So, are you done acting scary? Promise you're done? OK. Now, see, you're still scary to them. They might love you, might even be effected by your spellwork and forgive you...but, sadly, you're probably still scary to them if you acted super scary. :/ The cure for this is usually time and good behavior, and during that time you might be alone. If you were scary and bad and mean, expect that this person may refuse to return to you out of fear that you might behave badly again. Remember, I did go over this here, and it's probably a good article to check out if you are considering acting badly.
They think going back is a sign of weakness - While everyone says they will never ever come back again, and while everyone tells me "So-and-so is stubborn," let me assure you, most people are not that stubborn. However, there does exist a certain sub-set in the population who will never ever ever go back - and not because they aren't aching and longing and beating themselves up over how much they want to, but because they really have decided they can't ever return to anyone once any romantic relationship is over. I've known maybe TWO people like this ever. And that's in all my years on this planet, and no I wasn't dating them. ;) Everyone says they are this person, but, in reality, the vast majority of people are not. In my single days, I have been known as the world's greatest recycler of exes so I am not one of these people, lol. But these people do exist, and, at least with the 2 I know, they would not be moved. It didn't matter how broken-hearted they were, or how much they wanted their ex back, they refused to return. Nothing would change their mind. Now, in this case, you might just keep working on them. People have and people do. Sometimes you win the difficult and stubborn party over. But if you've been working on your ex for years, you keep getting big sad "I miss you and love you," looks from them, you were never scary and/or mean during the break, and they still won't come home, you might have discovered what I would term the most prideful, stubborn person on the planet. They won't go back, it's a sign of weakness. I foresee a lot of crying and stupidity in my inbox over this entry, so before that starts, please understand, this is an incredibly small percentage of people, and the 2 I referenced above aren't anyone I know to have had spellwork put on them...I just watched both of them agonize for a few YEARS over an ex that they could have easily had back. :P
You already made them forgive you, but you forgot to add a trigger to make them come back - This one is actually pretty common. You used reconciliation work, but you didn't use anything to entice romantic love from this person, or sexual love from this person, or even anything to compel them to return. You probably used straight-up reconciliation products and little else. Well, that's fabulous, and it's done it's work. You are forgiven. That doesn't mean they want to be yours again, just that they forgive you. :P So, if you think you fell into this trap, use products like Love Me or Come to Me and forget the reconciliation stuff. You already fixed that part. ;)
They want to do the nasty with you, but they are still too hurt to want to come back romantically - In this case, you probably used too much sex/lust-oriented products in your reconciliation spells, and you're not forgiven... ;) Try doing the opposite of the above, and using MORE reconciliation products and LESS or NO sexy love products. ;)
You keep making the same mistakes that broke up the relationship - If your ex keeps coming back a little bit and running off again, you're probably making the mistakes that chased them off to begin with. Just because a spell makes someone return, it's not a magic bullet that protects against being a horse's butt. ;) If you act out, if you are rude, unkind, or anything your intended dislikes, they may very well be discouraged even if your spells are working on them. So, when you're not around, they might think positively about you, only to remember all the things that put them off of liking you the moment they make contact with you. Do your best to AVOID fighting with your target, being accusatory, being rude during the stages when they are coming back. You'd be surprised how many people need this reminder. :P
They forgive you, they love you, but they don't trust you - While I'm sure it exists, I can't think of a spell that will rebuild trust quickly. If you lied, cheated, or in some wise betrayed this person, they might forgive you, but they may not trust you any time soon. :/ Unfortunately, earning trust can be very difficult, and many people will give up on getting the person back before they've earned that person's trust enough to come back. If your intended is worth it, then keep working that love mojo on them and proving you're a reformed person. If they forgive you and love you, the trust can probably be rebuilt as long as you don't eff up again. But it will take time. :P So, if you were traitorous or deceptive to your ex, but have cast some spells to reconcile them, and you've noticed your ex is warm to you, and has expressed their forgiveness but won't let you back, best start working on rebuilding trust with them. Many people require trust in a relationship, so it's important that you work on showing them you can be trusted.
It's too soon - Sometimes, when you're a total bag of dicks to someone, they just aren't READY to forgive you. You might see the entry above where I speak of people being scary. Well, that's a possibility. OR perhaps the break up was so traumatic, that they DO need to process it alone. Your trying to draw the person back is merely lengthening and impeding process because they need to be away from you to properly psychologically process the events. :P While it's rare, I've seen reconciliations that took place YEARS later that probably would never have occurred unless they took place years later. The general rule of thumb with reconciliation spells is to work as fast as you can, and I'm usually, in 99 cases out of 100, an advocate of working as quickly as you can to fix the situation, but it's NOT ALWAYS the right choice.
It's too late - Listen, if you've been working on your ex for years now, and they're married happily to someone else, and have 3 kids with that person. You might just move on. You can love someone and not be with them. It's not the worst thing possible. They aren't dead or dying, sure, so there's a chance, but seriously, the chances are most-likely MUCH MUCH MUCH slimmer than they once were.
They never loved you anyway/You confused a sexual encounter with love - If someone did the nasty with you like 3 times, they are probably not in love with you. One night stands don't need reconciliation work...you might try love work, though. That's more apt to bring you what you want. :P
*TO THE "I CAN MICRO-MANAGE ANY PERSON INTO BEING MY PERFECT MATE GROUP:
Above I said that if you make a cheater love you, they will still cheat even if they love you. Well, I know some smart ass is like "Nuh-uh, Cat, because I can tie his nature. Then he won't get hard for anyone."
Let's presume you know the secret to tie a man's nature, and you're just amazing at it. So, he goes to cheat, and his pecker lies limp. Well, he still has 2 hands and a mouth, presumably, but you're just going to tell me he's a very selfish man. So he goes to the doctor and gets Viagra. However, you just tie his nature some more. Then he gets prostate cancer. Now not even Viagra will resurrect his dead cock. Of course, it won't work for you, (or anyone) so now you have a man with a dead dick. Bravo.
Alright, let's assume you are just the love-bindiest person that ever existed. You say "I won't tie anyone's nature, but I will bind this person to me! They will always be bound in love to me!!!!" Very well then, so this person is a cheater who loves you - we've established they are a chronic cheater. Are we agreed there? So, now you've just bound someone who will cheat on you anyhow to follow you about for the rest of your days. Again, you didn't fix the cheating.
"BUT CAT! I WILL MAKE THIS PERSON NEVER LEAVE MY SIDE!!!" you say.
Oh, that sounds functional. So, presuming this doesn't turn into something where you both get liquified in an unfortunate wood-chipping accident and become a combined corpse, how else could this go... Well, a baby is the two of you combined, but this person might leave. You still have them with you forever, combined, in a new human. Or Perhaps this person will never leave your side. Maybe he or she will constantly hover over you wheresoever you go, even when you're pooping. That doesn't sound like a fun relationship. So...you want someone calling you non-stop, every second, for the rest of your life or something? That says a lot about you.
"No," you say "I just don't want Cheaty Mc Cheaterpants to cheat on me!" Here's the thing there... If someone is a natural-born cheater (and they do exist,) while there are temporary fixes, you're merely keeping someone who's made to cheat in love with you. You might have to constantly be vigilant, and even then, the likelihood is they will love you very much, but will get away and cheat. :/ Go ahead and tie some natures if you want, but if magic takes the path of least resistance, you might just cause severe health issues.
Spells do not change the person from who they are. They don't change the personality like that. If someone is cold and unaffectionate by nature, a spell will only temporarily warm them up. If someone isn't really a highly sexed person, even the sexiest love spell will only temporarily make them more horny. If someone speaks harshly to you and has a bad temper, you can work a honey jar all you want, and they may improve, but if you stop working the jar, you may very well have a rude, ill-tempered lover again soon enough. Stop working love spells thinking they will create a brand new person. Love spells enflame feelings of love - they don't create compatibility.
Now, I'm not a stupid woman, and I know many of you will ignore that bold face line above. So, allow me to tell you a little something. :) Over the years, I've come across people who are quite literally holding their "beloved" hostage with love spells. I don't mean that these folks are holding a pink candle to someone's head, threatening to kill them if they leave (my mental image after typing that is a crazy lady threatening to wax a man to death, whilst beating him with a man-shaped candle,) but rather that they have come to a point where the relationship is so tenuous and so being held together only by love spells, that it is falling apart constantly. Think of this relationship like a lamp, alright? So, we buy this brand new lamp, and someone knocks it off the table. It makes a clean break in 2 pieces. Now that break is representative of a break up between the couple. So, we get our glue (reconciliation spell) and we mend the lamp. It looks as good as new really...can't even see that crack unless you're up close. Well, the dog knocks it over and this time it's in five pieces. (another break some fighting etc,) So we glue this back together, and now it looks a touch shabby, but it still works. Now, every time that figurative lamp breaks, our repair of it will be less stable, correct? At some point even lightly touching that lamp will cause it to fall to a heap of rubble. So it is with relationships. As you keep mending the relationship and keep trying to micromanage your target, the relationship becomes less stable and more tenuous. So, if you have to cast a love spell on someone almost weekly to keep them with you, that means you are using love spells to keep them hostage, and the relationship will fall apart. So, go ahead and spellcast on that person, but remember, love spells do not create compatibility. If it is not meant to be it will eventually fall apart...
Again, I'm not a stupid woman. I know many of you won't listen. ;)
So, we've gone over lust for results, gone over why spells sometimes don't work, etc in here. Now, after 25 years of study and practice in the occult and ten years in business, I get this! I'm a con-artist for telling someone the truth AND NOT TAKING THEIR MONEY.
Please note, at no time did this person suggest or request spirit conjure, though she later goes on and on about djinn (which to raise one, would require me to use spirit conjure.)
Subject: Inquiry 7/27/14
Date: Sun, 27 Jul 2014 21:38:33 -0400
I’m sorry, I can’t be of service. Too many people have tried to work this situation, and also, I don’t work for anyone who describes themselves as desperate. Desperation is a huge spell-energy killer. :/ I think I’d fall short of your goals, and therefore I will have to decline to be of service here.
Thank you so kindly for your interest in my services,
From: L *
Sent: Monday, July 28, 2014 10:27 AM
Subject: RE: Inquiry 7/27/14
When you are in love and when you lose a person you love, of course you feel desperate. I am desperate to have him back, and that is what love does to me. Are you telling me that it is not normal to feel desperate and hurt when you lose something you love? If I didn't feel this way, I would never contact you.
I see here that you are not a person who could help me, simply because I think that you rejected me because you know that you can't do love spells. You can't do any of that stuff, and it is not because of my love desperation, it's because you don't have any abilities to do it. You are just a human like all of us. At least don't lie to people that you can help them when you can't.
People don't need other spells, because they can get everything else without a spell. Love is the only thing where people become helpless and seek for a help....
Another con artist....
Alright, if I were a doctor, and you come to me with a gangrenous leg, and I say "Well, that leg has to go, can't save it, and if I don't remove it, you'll die," you can't say I'm not a doctor because you dislike my diagnosis - if I have all the medical degrees on the wall, I'm a doctor. ;) You CAN say you don't like my diagnosis. Just because someone can't save your leg, that doesn't mean they've never saved a leg, or that all legs are beyond this person's ability to repair...just your shitty gangrenous leg.
If I were a dentist, and you came to me with a rotten tooth, I might say "I have to extract that tooth, or you could die," and you want to keep those toothy bits in there because you're really in love with that black smelly thing in your mouth, you can't say I'm not a dentist. You CAN say that you don't like my diagnosis.
As for only love spells are needed?
I've really needed money spells before. I mean, I guess I could have knocked over a liquor store or something and gotten money, but in reality, the safest and easiest (and most legal) method of getting that money quickly was using magic.
I've known a few people who really wanted revenge. Using spells was the only way they could get that without getting arrested.
I could keep going.
[Start sarcasm] Yeah, for a decade now, I must have been just telling people I can't help them every day (sometimes for 16 hours a day) for the last fucking ten years. I don't get paid. I just sit here, and I say "sorry, you're desperate," all fucking day. I don't eat, pay a mortgage, pay bills or anything - for no reason I persist here on no income just to say "nope, better get on the train to fuckthatville" all fucking day, free of charge. [end sarcasm]
No, the problem was the above person is delusional. They will never get what they want. They will antagonize the honest people in this world with name-calling, and keep paying someone who will tell them anything they want to hear.
What a sick woman, and one who didn't read the "you must be respectful at all times clause" either I take it.
Now mind you, I say right on my application:
I don't help desperate people. Don't list "google" as how you found me. I only work for people from the USA and Canada. I don't work for obsessive people. She listed google as how she found me, and she says she's desperate right in her application.
Her later emails revealed she's in Europe (either that, or she's an ex-pat and I really misunderstood...)
Further, she agreed to the terms of service and client agreement which stipulate being respectful at all times.
Apparently she isn't very literate or good with directions...
Anyhow, I replied:
Subject: Re: Inquiry 7/27/14
Date: Mon, 28 Jul 2014 10:29:54 -0400
I’m a “con artist,” for not taking your money, and not accepting your business? I think you owe me an apology. I’m the honest one who didn’t take your money, the one who made sure you were not “conned.” How am I a "con artist?” Because I dealt with you fairly?
You misunderstand the law of attraction. That which we resist, persists. You haven’t accepted he’s gone, so I can’t bring him back. That is why you feel desperation instead of faith.
No one can help you until you regain faith and get beyond desperation.
So, again, tell me how I’m false?
Oh goodness, look what I got back:
From: L *
Sent: Monday, July 28, 2014 10:55 AM
Subject: RE: Inquiry 7/27/14
YOU ARE A CON ARTIST FOR DESIGNING A WEB SITE WHERE YOU SAY THAT YOU HELP WITY LOVE SPELLS, BUT ACTUALLY YOU DON'T .
YOU CALL PEOPLE BEING HURT BECAUSE OF LOST LOVE BEING DESPERATE, AND FIND THE REASONS THAT YOU CANT DO THE SPELL..MY DEAR, ALL HURT LOVERS ARE DESPERATE, BECAUSE EMOTIONS MAKE THEM FEEL THAT WAY.
YOU SIMPLY DIN'T KNOW NOTHING ABOUT SPELLS, ADMIT THIS TO YOUR SELF AND STOP SCAMMING PEOPLE. I COME FROM EUROPE, WHERE PEOPLE DO REAL SPELLS, SUCH AS GYPSY MAGIC AND ARABIC MUSLIM MAGIC, AND THAT IS WHAT WORKS- TRIED IT AND IT WORKED...SO I CAN SAY WHO REALLY HAS ABILITY AND WHO DOESN'T...THEY DONT ASK YOU IF YOU ARE DESPERATE, OR ANYTHING ELSE, THEY DO IT, FROM AFAR, AND THISGS HAPPEN...I COME FROM SERBIA, AND THIS IS WHERE THESE THINGS HAPPEN, SO ANYTHING WHAT IS HAPPENING HERE IS SCAMMING PEOPLE...
OH, YES, ONE OF THESE PEOPLE DID HELP ME TO RETURN MY EX, LAST YEAR, BUT I ASKED FOR YOUR HELP BECAUSE I THOUGHT YOUR WEB SITE SOUNDS CONFIDENT, BUT THAT IS ONLY A STRING ADVERTISEMENT OF DEFENSE WHAT YOU CAN'T DO...
I AM GOING BACK TO MY ROOTS, WHO REALLY DOES MAGIC, AND THEY DON'T CHARGE AT ALL, I JUST GIVE THEM AS MUCH AS I CAN, BECAUSE I AM THANKFUL FOR THEIR HELP...
give me a break about love of attraction..that is only a fantasy to convince people how they didn't put enough power in wishing what they want and that is why spell never worked..have you ever read Quran? That is where things happen,and that is the only true magic in the world., when a priest works with djiins...oh, again, give me a break about you and your abilities.....lol
I have read the Quran, actually, but digressing back...
Oh...kay... So, since I'm not a priest who works with Djinns (I'm a HOODOO, I don't practice Islam, and I also don't often raise spirits, - and when I do, I don't use Islamic rites, actually, I generally use hermetic ones,) and since I'm not a Muslim, according to her, I'm fake.
Now, mind you, I don't work for people in Europe, so I'm confused why I need to go to Serbia to find real magicians...or why this woman can't find a real one in Serbia who will get her the Djinn to make her lover come back. In fact her application was all about how Arabic and European priests couldn't and did not help her, so she was coming to me. Hrm. So, first they DID NOT bring back her ex, but now they have, by the power of the Quran. Um, if they helped her, why not go back to them?
It degrades from there... I will give you the summarized version.
In her following email, I'm told people shouldn't pay for work. I said "No, but you didn't pay me, so, I can't have conned you out of anything. No money has changed hands."
She goes on about how the people she TOLD ME that she has paid on her application never charged her, she can get help in Serbia, and I am a con-artist for being Catholic, and also for saying that she is desperate, because she says now that she IS NOT desperate or hopeless.
Finally, I just say, "Yeah, if you keep antagonizing me, if I had any ability, which you say you don't believe, couldn't this go the other way, and I could work against you?"
And she freaks out about the Quran, more about the Quran, and some other stuff. So regarding that, I'm glad I've read that book, or else I might think it was entirely a book about how crazy desperate women use djinn to manipulate others. Apparently there is NOTHING about Allah in there, right? It's not a religious text whatsoever, it's just a guide to love-sick women driving djinn at their loves. Or so this one would have me believe.
Five more emails about how I'm a crazy mean bitch...and then I was like "Yeah, just stop, or I'll post you on my blog," and she says she's fine with that. So, I was like "I'll call the police to let them know some crazy Serbian lady keeps yelling at me about djinns and how I don't understand the Quran as well." She stopped then.
And here we are.
My open reply:
I understand how much the heart bleeds when we are initially broken-hearted. I have had my heart-broken many times before. It didn't make me cuss at, insult, and freak out on a random stranger on the internet, but I realize it can create a state in which one feels such deep grief that they are prostrate with said emotion. I still don't see how that means you can be dismissive of people who don't share your religion, why this allows anyone to claim anyone else is not a particular profession, nor do I think it's any excuse to act in a manner as this woman has acted towards me today.
Because, I don't recall, at any time, my having a broken heart as being an excuse to spout religious threats at person, or in any way claim to another person that I was going to call things out of hell to attack some person if they won't call those things out of hell for free on my behalf - at least nothing of that nature comes to mind.
I also do not recall, at any time, having a broken heart as being an excuse wherein I was allowed to back-pedal and lie about things I'd said not even 12 hours before, or how I felt having a broken-heart entitled me to tell someone they are not really whatever profession they are.
I don't recall having a broken-heart as being an excuse for much other than the reason I'm mourning, grieving, or crying.
And when I accepted and came to terms with why my heart was in shreds, I also stopped feeling so desperate and hopeless, which is how I came to move on from that. Maybe I used spellwork to fix the situation when I reached that point where my heart had mended just enough...maybe I just decided what had happened was for the best or the situation was beyond repair and moved on.
Everyone, this is a prime example of why people in my profession often quit. No one deserves this disgusting behavior that this woman spewed upon me today. She should be ashamed of herself. If someone says no, and has never charged you money, it doesn't make them fake. It makes them honest for not helping you if they feel that they can't. It gives no permission to behave as this woman did. There was no excuse to attack me as she did.
All she ever had to do was either not reply or thank me for my time and move on. She obviously never read any part of my site (almost everything here is a violation of my basic rules,) and I'm going to have to keep this up, because anyone this psychotic is running off on forums making me out to be "fake" for not accepting money, and for standing up for myself by saying "You really should apologize for calling me names when I've been fair with you."
So...yep, I'll leave this here for a bit. It's really hard to be a featured troll, but some people really work at it. But, if it's enlightening, I'm told by this poor crazy thing that if you all go to Serbia, people will call djinns for you free of charge, so you might check that out. I'm getting my Serbian phone book out and having them all send djinns to carry this woman to the mental hospital after I post this.
Recently a client asked me if there was anything she could do about a malicious gossip who was ruining her reputation at work. Apparently the gossiping party liked drama or playing people against other people - I think many of us know the type: smiles in your face, compliments you, is sweet to you, then runs behind your back and tells people how you're somehow mean, dishonest, or etc. The gossip was ruining my client's reputation, and for no good reason other than the gossip felt like eliminating my client's presence at work (and her good standing with her employer) might get the gossip ahead in the work place. Ugh. :P
I had posted this spell some time ago about gossips. The linked spell is probably going to be enough for your average gossip, and you don't need to get too severe. That said, I do truly hate people who think calumny is innocent or harmless. Sure, I'll joke with old friends "let's have a gossip," but when I say that, it's usually "Let's share news about people we both don't get to see very much," and it's never "Let me make up lies and stories about someone so that you think I'm cool." A true gossip just spreads lies and half truths, and often so much to the detriment of who they speak of, that the damage can be irreversible.
If someone is telling lies about you to such an extreme that your job or marriage is in danger, you might also try the following:
You will need:
A personal item from the target's head (preferably focusing on the mouth, like a used napkin, or something with their spittle on it. Be creative - licked envelopes are very helpful here, as are old toothbrushes.)
An item to bore a hole in the coconut (such as a hole-borer)
The remains of at least one stinging insect or arachnid (I'm quite fond of wasps in this situation - please make sure this is dead, and don't get yourself stung. A dessicated remain of one of these found in a light fixture works great, but be sure the stinger is still on the animal.)
Inflammatory confusion powder
A black "Sharpie" marker
Glue (any old glue usually works)
Something to seal the hole with*
Four black candles - just regular taper candles or tea-lights work. If you can't find four SAME SIZED candles in black (this is actually incredibly easy, and you're being a bad rootworker if you can't find this...you need to be creative and a problem solver to be a rootworker, and yeah, I'm giving you a "look" right now, if you're like "Cat, I can't find this!! Wahhhh!!!" and no, it's not a nice look, hahahaha,) then use red candles, again in the same size and shape.
This isn't a nice spell at all. Be sure you're prepared to damage the gossip. Before you ask, yes you need the personal effect mentioned, and if you write me asking for a substitution, I will tell you to go pound sand up your butt...which isn't a substitution for the item from the head, but will at least teach you to stop asking me for substitutions when the substitution for any ingredient is to find a spell that you have all the ingredients to. ;)
Bore a hole in your coconut, and drain the milk from it. Using your sharpie, draw a face on the coconut to represent your target, using the hole you have bored as the mouth of the person's face. You don't have to be Rembrandt - a simple face with something that has an upside-down 7 for a nose and 2 circles with pupils for eyes, etc., will work just fine. On the opposite side from where you've bored the hole and drawn the face, write the name of the target, for example "John Q. Sample" and put their birthdate under it (ex. July 23, 1984.) If you are unsure of the birthdate, you can substitute this with the target's mother's full name (ex "born of Jane Q. Doe Sample).
From this point in my instruction, I will use "NN" to be significant of the target's FULL NAME. I will use YN to be significant of the petitioner's full name (person the spell is cast on behalf of, or yourself if doing the spell for yourself).
Take your tin foil, and tear from it a piece perhaps 4 inches by 4 inches (bigger as needed is fine,) so you have a square. Glue your witness item (the personal item from the head of your target - if you're using a toothbrush from this person, just a few bristles is great,) into the center. You may wish to allow this to dry for a bit. Once the glue has dried, using your sharpie, write, in a circle around the item, and as small as possible: "NN, all words you speak against YN, all actions you take against YN reflect back on to you. NN all harm and darkness you would send at me" (or YN if for someone other than yourself,) "I send back at thee." Speak these words as you write them. Now fold your corners of your foil inwards, so that a reflective surface is against the personal item. Remember, I'm a Hoodoo, and fancy doesn't really mean much to me, but effective does, so I'm going to reassure you, even if it looks like you're doing a half-assed job of wrapping a piece of gum back up or something, your main aim is to get that reflective surface (the shiny side of the tin foil) as flat as possible (on your first fold in, folding AWAY from yourself) and as reflective as possible against the witness item...it isn't to make something pretty that your mom will want to hang up on her wall or something. ;) You are going to fold the other three sides in gently using the same folding AWAY from yourself motion until you have all the shiny sides of your tin foil folded inward.
Now, I've put some images here below, since I hate stupid questions and these tend to prevent those. ;) As you can see, I've folded a piece of tinfoil using the flat side, and using the corner. I personally prefer using the flat side for this method, but either works, just fold AWAY from you rather than towards.
Once you have folded up your tinfoil place this inside you coconut, saying "NN, all words you speak against YN, all actions you take against YN reflect back on to you. NN all harm and darkness you would send at me" (or YN if for someone other than yourself,) "I send back at thee," as you do so.
Crush your stinging insect (again, this should be dead already, ahem, so don't be a big meanie and catch a fresh one only to complain it stung you when you smooshed it,) so that it is in small pieces and mix this into about 2 tablespoons of inflammatory confusion powder. Place this inside your coconut, saying "NN, all words you speak against YN, all actions you take against YN reflect back on to you. NN all harm and darkness you would send at me" (or YN if for someone other than yourself,) "I send back at thee," as you do so.
Drop your pins, nails, and needles into the coconut saying, "NN, all words you speak against YN, all actions you take against YN reflect back on to you. NN all harm and darkness you would send at me" (or YN if for someone other than yourself,) "I send back at thee," as you do so.
Remember, keep the image of your target in your mind's eye while you say your chant. If you're having a hard time keeping an image in your head of this person, you may want to place an image of them on your altar or work space.
*Now, seal the hole in your coconut. You might use a cork, you might use some wood glue mixed with a little inflammatory confusion powder...I even know another rootworker who seals nasty coconut spells with dog-shit mixed with a few other things, but I personally can't stomach that. ;) The idea is to keep that hole permanently (or nearly permanently) sealed. Tape will probably not work in this instance, so if you're totally lost as to what to do, cutting a small piece of wood, and liberally gluing it into place might do just fine. Let that seal set up - I'd let it set overnight, but as long as it's not going to fall apart, it's sealed.
Now for the fun part. >:)
Place the coconut on your altar. Have it so it looks like a head sitting up. If you need to prop it up (it might roll,) I recommend using some small stones - especially if you can get them from the target's property. If you can't get them from the target's property, find them either at a tavern/bar with a bad reputation (so any place known for violence, bad people, or lots of badness and debauchery,) or from a street on which traffic accidents are common...especially a crossroads with lots of accidents. Mwhahahahaha. If it won't roll, then don't worry about the stones to prop it up.
Now place your four candles at each of the cardinal points of the directions (North, East, South, West,) and most phones have a compass in them now, so this should not be difficult for you to determine. Make sure your candle is dead center between these candles. Light the candles in a clockwise motion. I usually start with the Eastern candle first.
Without burning yourself (seriously, be careful and don't stick your arm too close to the candle flames,) place your hands on either side of the candles so that your hands would be maybe 3-4 inches from the sides of the "head" and envision the coconut as being your target's head as you say: "NN, all words you speak against YN, all actions you take against YN reflect back on to you. NN all harm and darkness you would send at me" (or YN if for someone other than yourself,) "I send back at thee." Herein add whatever else you feel needs to be added (that they suffer the torment they have brought you, that they be the victim of their own calumnies, etc, being as direct as possible. I like to cuss up a storm, so I might say "NN, as you have spoken ill at me, now your shit-covered tongue breaks out and is pierced with a thousand fiery needles. You stupid fucking cocksucking cuntfaced little liar, everyone sees you for who you are, and the more shit you talk about me, the more you are hated and reviled by all who but pass by you." Now, that's just me, I get pretty nasty. You add in what you want, just make sure it is full of venom! :) When you're done speaking, say ""NN, all words you speak against YN, all actions you take against YN reflect back on to you. NN all harm and darkness you would send at me" (or YN if for someone other than yourself,) "I send back at thee. Any time henceforth that I shake this head, your I enflame your brain with madness, and send all of your lies and calumny back at you that all who hear it believe it to be about you! As is my will, SO BE IT!"
Allow the candles to burn out. Shake the coconut with your hands whenever you want to give that person a good kick in the mouth. They will already be suffering for what they're saying, even if you don't shake it, but this will amplify the effect.
Now, I take no responsibility for whatever stupidity that you use this for, but I strongly caution against using this spell lightly, or against someone who is magically more adept than you are. It is not a nice spell. There are real consequences. Mis-use it at your own risk. I honestly would only recommend it's use if someone's calumnies against you are about to cost you your job, your marriage, or something equally as dear. It would be completely irresponsible to use it because someone called you a bitch or something. ;) Keep in mind to pick your battles wisely, and that it's often the best idea to use the least amount of force needed. You're going to do whatever you want to do, but as with all spellwork, I always recommend acting cautiously, wisely, and justly. Ethics are never a bad thing. If you're just really pissed right now, sleep on it, and see if you can go with the lighter working I linked to above first to see if that stops the gossip before you take out the big guns. Just a bit of friendly advice. ;)
If you need to contact me rather than leaving a comment, please do.
Now, I know I'm going to get some butt-hurt people, and so before I begin, I'm going to start with yes, I do understand it's hard to meet people sometimes, and/or yeah, sure I've heard "everyone's doing it." Good for everyone, and let me channel the spirit of everyone's mother into my person and croak out in true medium fashion "Well, if everyone jumped off a cliff, would you jump, too?!" Did I just sound like your mom? Good, I was hoping I did. ;) Because your mom has a point, and so do I - just because everyone does a stupid thing, doesn't mean you should, too. I do stupid things sometimes, and I don't want you to imitate my stupidity when I do those things. ;) So, can we all agree that going with the crowd is not a good reason for doing something? We can? Good.
Alrighty, so you may be angry with me for saying "You're asking for trouble" if you use dating sites and apps. I can already see the 10 people who had a good experience (out of the 2,400 in my Rant Room,) raising their hands to object. Well, you know, being a statistically insignificant percentage (and I'm not saying there aren't a lot of relationships that started on dating sites/apps, I'm trying to say "SUCCESSFUL" relationships from them are statistically insignificant, in my experience, and I DO deal with a lot of people in relationships, ahem,) does make you unique, and being unique is awesome, but if by the grace of God you managed to find and marry and be happy with someone from a dating site, then your relationship is like finding a unicorn, and good for you. :) It's the rest of you I'll be addressing here...
So, for starters, let's ask ourselves why do people use dating sites/apps?
1. They genuinely are introverted or lead some lifestyle which makes it difficult for them to be around others frequently, can't meet people, and this makes it easy for them to meet others.
2. They just want to get laid and are willing to ask anyone on the internet if that person is interested.
3. They just want to get laid and are willing to manipulate others into thinking it's love to get this sex from them, which they have found a treasure trove of endless "willing" victims.
4. They find themselves hugely unattractive, but like how they look (add number) years ago, and this is the easiest way to convince someone they still look that way before actually meeting them in person, then SURPRISE!!!
5. They are scary-ass desperate for someone to love them. Stalker desperate, maybe. In fact, probably. Avoid the desperate at all costs.
6. They have huge emotional problems which are easily concealed when they are not face to face with someone.
7. They have huge emotional problems which are only apparent after getting to know them for a few weeks...which is why they can't find a partner in their pool of friends.
8. They have some sort of ridiculously bad life issue that all of their friends know about, but strangers would not, but which would be a "deal-killer" for most of us. (I will also put that they might be married to someone and hiding that on a dating site, which I've unfortunately heard tell of in more than one of my clients' recounting of a bad dating site experience.)
9. They are badly socialized in some way.
10. Other (something bad, probably).
Now, of all of the above, only the first one is acceptable, really, when looking for a partner. ;) And, to be fair, this is a percentage of people who use these sites and apps - people who are not really super abnormal freaks. However, if you look at the rest of the reasons, more than one is pretty fucking scary and bad, others are "Well, if so-and-so and I were super close anyhow, maybe I'd date them" (but you're not close, this is a stranger) which probably means the largest percentage of users of these sites and apps are to be avoided.
So, - at least as I see it - when you use these sites/apps, you're basically inviting a large amount of people who are probably not good choices to choose you. You're inviting disaster.
But to add insult to that injury, from Erika's tale, you're also chancing that these folks might find out your personal info, and start contacting you via social media without your permission. In fact, some people leave phone numbers on social media. Imagine being a pretty attractive person (which she is,) leaving your number up where people desperate for attention or affection (I'm not saying she left her number up, just saying what if,) can get to it, all the while thinking you're available. Holy crap, talk about baiting your hook for stalkers. :P
Now, as someone who counsels people on relationships frequently, I assure you that my experience (even if vicariously through my clients and some friends, since I'm not the type of person who ever felt at all interested in using the internet to get dates from people I wouldn't know otherwise,) has been that dating site relationships tend to be very tenuous, and often one partner will engage a new partner on the dating site before leaving the last. It's sort of like a vending machine to some people. They get a bit bored with one, and go back and find a new one, assuming (probably not too wrongly,) that there is an unlimited supply of hopefuls. Or they find the person has huge and scary abandonment issues, socialization issues, stalking issues, or other emotional issues. Or the date that shows up is 20 years older than their profile picture. Or they just get solicited for sex.
This is unfortunate, but the price one pays for using the internet to get dates. :/ Don't get me wrong, I love the internet, but it's sort of like a scary dark corner at a carnival - sure you might find some awesome thing, but you're just as likely to get knifed by a carny if you're not careful...and when you use dating sites, you're doing the equivalent of getting fall-down drunk and taping $1000 bills to your head, and going in that scary dark corner with a carny, and then complaining you got knifed. :/
For every "success" story from dating sites that I've heard (which is now, after about ~15 years of hearing stories about them, and amounts to a grand total of FIVE out of at least a thousand,) there are far too many horrific stories (which the truly-horrifying must be at least a half of them,) and several incredibly disappointing or just mildly disturbing stories that often skew the person attempting to use these sites and apps emotional well-being for some time to come (a good percentage.)
So, my dear ones, as many of you come to me looking for love, I will pass on the advice to only use dating sites/apps or date people who use them at your own risk, and I mean a real risk. If you'd stand on a busy street corner in the city with a sign around your neck that says "Please date me and maybe love me," (and some folks would totally be cool with that,) then you should try dating sites and apps, but if that sounds like a bad idea to you, maybe you should avoid that route. Statistically speaking, the vast majority of successful relationships spring from people who you meet through shared friends. If you're willing to take the risk of showing vulnerability and hopefulness in a den of folks where there are guaranteed to be a sizeable percentage predatory and mentally unstable people (and moreso than would be in the general population, because predators are attracted to places there is a good selection of prey,) then, by all means, take your chances using dating sites and apps.
There will be no open comments on this article. I don't want to hear your defensive argument how you're not a bad person or are the exception to everything I wrote (so don't email it either.) I'm sure you're the unicorn I spoke of earlier, and that's fine. Most of us aren't unicorns, and that's why I always tell friends and clients alike to avoid dating sites and apps at all costs.
You know, today was my friend Shea's birthday. She would have been 35. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about her. As I'm sure many of you know through your own personal losses, it's very hard to lose someone you love so very much. The pain never really goes away - at least in my experience, - one just gets used to it.
Since she is heavy on my mind, and still so much a part of my soul, I would like to share a story about her with you. It's a spell story, and a funny one at that, because Shea did like spells. ;)
When I was maybe 22/23 and she was maybe 21 (yes, I was in college for five years, feel free to judge me, ha!), we were both into spell casting, but she was very new into it. I don't recall her as having a boyfriend at the time, and I'm almost sure she didn't have one. She had come to my house and asked to borrow one of my books on love spells, and I of course lent it, telling her not to worry too much about x or y instruction in the book (it was one of those "THOU SHALT NOT INFLUENCE OTHERS!!!!" types of titles, but if you ignored that and tweaked the spells a bit it wasn't so bad,) and gave her some advice on what she might try. She'd also borrowed a few others, but the love spell one is the only one I can remember what it was about.
As I remember it, she had been very vague about what she had wanted to do, spell-wise, or love-wise, and though I'd offered a few pointers, I could tell she was not going to give me a complete idea of her motives. And I remember it being summer, though I could be wrong, - what I am sure of is that it was during a break in college...summer or winter, I can't say, but I'll lean towards summer.
The phone rang in the afternoon, and since she and I spoke at least every other day, if not multiple times a day, even when school was on vacation (and these were the last of the days of the landline, and expensive long distance, lol, so that wasn't cheap!) I saw it was her on the caller ID, and of course assumed we were going to have a gossip. "OMIGOD, CAT, OMIGOD, I FUCKED UP!" she said into the phone.
"OH NO, WHAT HAPPENED!?" I replied, thinking maybe she was in jail, or something worse.
"You'll be mad..." she said.
"OMIGOD, SHEA, JUST FUCKING TELL ME WHAT HAPPENED, AND I WON'T BE MAD!" I yelled back (we yelled a lot when together, and swore a lot...can you tell?)
"Well," she said, "Remember I borrowed that love spell book you had?" I said I did remember that. "OK, and then I borrowed that [other book that escapes my memory which one it was]?" I said I did. "Remember how you told me that I would probably need to tweak the spells to get something good?"
"Well, yeah, sure, I remember that. Why, who are you love spell casting on? OMIGOD, is he like, some psycho, and like you only found out like when he got hit with the spell? Is there a psycho after you? OMIGOD! I will kill him! Who is it!?"
"No..." she replied reluctantly. "It's worse than that. See, remember you told me I had to tweak things? I did that, by like, mixing two spells, sort of. Like, I read in one book not to cast a spell on someone directly or it might be bad, so I really wanted my ex to call me, then I thought what if like he could run into me instead of call - that's okay too, but then I thought, 'What if I don't mention my ex BY NAME' because like, that's indirect and I have some exes, right? But like, I thought what if it was like I said a guy who has been with me before or liked me before or something, right? I mean, my ex is one of those guys because he did like me and we did fool around. Well, so I [did a bunch of stuff that I only remember her using rose quartz and some pink candles but which is far more complex than that] and then it happened."
"HOLY SHIT, SHEA, WHAT ASSHOLE DID YOU CALL OUT OF THE ABYSS OF YOUR FUCKING EXES?!" I cried.
"FUCK YOU, YOUR EXES ARE EVEN WORSE AND YOU DATE KEVIN AND YOU HATE HIM!" she countered.
"I BOTH LOVE HIM AND HATE HIM AND YES, SOME OF MY EXES SUCK BALLS! Now tell me what happened?! Who showed up!? It wasn't [guy who is still my friend who I'm kind enough to leave anonymous], was it?"
"Well, no, Cat, it's ALL OF THEM!"
"What do you mean, all of them?" I asked. You mean [guy who shall remain anonymous] did show up?"
"Oh, he fucking called, of course, yes. It's bad, though. So like, there's this kid, and like I made out with him in high school, and he's like, gay now, and he saw me out to dinner with my parents, and he's a waiter at that restaurant, and started hitting on me. I mean, he's fucking gay! He does not like girls, and he flirted with me. Like really flirted! And-"
"Shea," I interrupted, "omigod, a gay kid was hit by your spell, that's so funny. Maybe he's not so gay after all."
"NO! SHUT UP! I'M NOT DONE, BITCH!" Shea said, cutting me off. And yes, we called each other bitch, slut, and whore all the time as terms of endearment. "He is very gay, and I'm sure he's gay, but that's not all. So I ran into my other ex from high school at the mall, and he like, wanted to go out with me. And [anonymous friend of mine] called, and also [another anonymous friend] - because you know we made out, and then also..." Now, instead of labeling a few people just anonymous, I'll let my audience know, she listed several of our friends, most of whom had probably only ever shared a kiss with her, and went on to say... "It's every guy I've so much as ever smiled at since I went through FUCKING PUBERTY, and ALL OF THEM! ALL OF THEM ARE COMING OUT OF THE WOODWORK AND TRYING TO FLIRT WITH ME OR HOOK UP WITH ME! WHAT DO I DO!!!!???"
By this point, I was laughing. "Well, why don't you hook up with one of them?"
"You don't get it, Cat, I hate this! Most of these people are people I never ever ever wanted to see again! I don't want to touch any of these guys dicks! Not a one of them! A few of them, I ever forgot I made out with them or like, liked them because it was so not even something I wanted to remember."
"Shea," I said, "You asked for all of your exes to miss you. What on earth did you think was going to happen? You should have just named the one you wanted."
"But the book said that was bad, Cat. What do I do? Tell me!?"
"Um, enjoy it? I'm enjoying it, and it's not even happening to me," I giggled. "Anyhow, I told you that book was over-cautious. You can always do a work-around. Why didn't you just call me and ask me what to do?"
"Because I didn't want you to know I wanted [whichever ex this was, but it's not the first one I said should remain anonymous.]"
At this point, I was laughing so hard I was almost crying. "Shea, I don't care who you want to hook up with. This is me you're talking to. Anyhow, you should just let this keep going so you learn your lesson. That's what I'd do. It will wear off, but the experience will teach you what it means to mess with this stuff and not do the instructions right."
"CAT! BUT THE ONE I WANTED WAS NOT EVEN EFFECTED! WHAT THE FUCK!"
"Well, maybe he will be, so you don't want to crush the spell just yet," I offered, "and anyway, like I said, things blowing up in your face can be a good learning experience for you."
So, as I remember, things did calm down in a week or two, and I believe the young man who she initially had hoped to attract did offer to take her out, but that is the story of the time Shea refused to name names in her spell casting and brought back 70% of the people she so much as ever kissed into her life for the next 3 or so weeks. The moral of the story is: Stop being indirect, just ask for who you want when you're spell casting OR don't complain when you get bombarded by bad choices (er, I mean people) you made out with while drinking. ;)
As an amusing side-note, some years later, I'd asked a friend who owed me a favor to set a light for me for attraction. I'd needed to borrow a bit of money from an ex who had since married and who was just a friend, but who was more apt to lend the money if he thought I looked cute. I wasn't looking to do the nasty, just hoping if I was super cute to him, he would be more apt to lend the large-ish amount I was requesting. It did work, the guy lent the money, and seemed to appreciate that I was cute, but didn't come on to me... However outside of him, when my friend set this light, the next thing I knew, it seemed like every other guy I'd so much as just smooched (some of whom were/are happily married,) that I was still in touch with in some form (mostly facebook friends only,) was suddenly coming on to me. ;) When I told Shea this, she was like "I hope you're enjoying it. Not fun, is it!?" It was actually hilarious, lol, but I suspect she felt vindicated, as I did more or less insist she just let her "calling all my exes" spell wear itself out. ;)
Happy Birthday, girlie. I miss you tons. There is nothing in this world that can ever take your place in my heart.