Hey Kids,
So have you ever noticed that when things go really bad, there are people who want to help, and then there's this person "Oh, that stinks. Hey, so my dog did the funniest thing yesterday." You could be on fire, and they'd be like "Damn, that kind of blows, but you know what I thought about? Don't you think the word frog is a weird word?" In my time on this planet, I have come across several of these infuriating creatures. Each and every time I am absolutely blown away by their own inability to sympathize whatsoever with whatever horrible tragedy I have just told them about. Mind you, were they to scuff their shoe that day, you'd have a five hour cry-a-thon over this scuffed shoe. Meanwhile, you could have lost your entire family in a horrible gold smelting accident just moments ago, and they'd act as if you'd merely misplaced the remote.
Now, you might think "maybe they are just suffering from mental illness," and that's a fair assessment, but they all seem to have one thing in common... They are all sheltered and never had real problems. This isn't to say that there aren't plenty of lovely people who lived such lifestyles and never showed this lack of ability to empathize or care, it's just it seems a common factor among those with this particular problem. My theory, - albeit it's an armchair theory at best, - is their lack of empathy comes from the fact that they don't really know suffering having never really suffered. So, when you say "Holy shit, the doctor tells me I have 2 weeks to live!" they think to themselves "Well, hmm...I left my jeans in the dryer too long and burned myself on the zipper, so that's like, totally bad too," and they spit that out, as if to say "I understand."
So, sheltered people, allow me to help you....If someone comes to you and they are like "Holy fuck my life is in shambles," and proceeds to tell you something that belongs in a country western song, the equivalent response is not that you bought shoes in the wrong size or that you bought the wrong version of a song you like, and now you have to spend another dollar and change to get the right version. In fact, it's better to just say "Wow, that's terrible!" Instead of saying "Does this mean you won't be paying me the $20 you owed me by the end of the week?" Then you say something like "I'm sorry, I don't know how I can help you. I've never been in a situation nearly this bad before." When you say that DO NOT change the subject to something glib and without substance in an effort to change the subject. This is not just impolite, it's rude and insensitive. So if you tell me "Cat, I think I just swallowed rat poison! I'm foaming at the mouth and choking," I would not reply with "Oh, that's bullshit. My bird just learned to say Bird loves Momma!" Instead, I would either try to HELP the person either by offering help (like calling poison control, or emergency services if you ingested poison,) and I would at the very least listen to you and if I could not assist and it was an emergency I'd even say something like "I'm very worried about this - is there someone you or I could call?" Notice, I am not redirecting the conversation to myself, but trying to HELP.
And admittedly, sheltered people, most people are not actively dying or in danger, but when someone says to me "Cat, I just lost my parent last night to some illness," I do not reply with "That's shitty...guess what I caught on Hulu last night!?" because doing that would be rude. Instead, hopefully I have not found myself entirely emotionally drained by my day, and I'm going to say "Oh wow, I'm so sorry for your loss! If you need anyone to talk to I would be glad to listen. I know this must be so hard on you." Notice again, I am offering to LISTEN (since in this scenario, I am not going to resurrect the dead, right?) and I am not redirecting the conversation to myself.
Now what if it's something in between? What if it's something I could possibly take actions to help with BUT the person also needs someone to listen and make them feel supported. Well, I consider if I CAN help (that is, if I can afford to help, or if those actions required are not a huge amount of effort and would completely undo me,) and still I would listen. I will not change the conversation to myself.
Now, I get a few of you shaking your heads as you've had the friend who is always a hot mess (or maybe you've been that friend,) and after awhile you've done all you can do. If it comes to a point where the person constantly needs help, and you can't help more, and it's dragging you down, the proper response is "Gee (person), I really am sorry for what's going on. Unfortunately I really can't help. I do hope things get better for you!" You don't say anything else. If they say anything, you're just like "Yeah, sorry that happened to you," and nothing else. If you can't help, you don't redirect the problem to something else.
Because there is nothing worse (and I know from experience, having had a few bad things happen to me in my day,) than a person who replies to your real problems with "Oh. I totally can't find my toothbrush right now and had to use a new one," as if this has any bearing on your tragedies or is a problem of comparable value. :P
Hopefully this will help prevent some future curses or reconciliation cases, and I hope it's been educational. :)
~Cat
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