Hey Occulties,
As many of you probably realize, many of my spell requests involve love or attraction. This means at any given time, there are a number of people texting me and emailing me about their love lives, while I'm also working some love mojo for them. So, I am basically a relationship counselor AND a spellcaster and psychic. If I could recommend some pretty key guidelines to getting love work to manifest or just to make your relationship more functional, it would be the following:
Don't obsess: If all you do is think about your desired partner, what they are thinking, why they did this or that, what is going to happen, what does this or that on social media mean, where this is going, why did someone say something possibly not related, etc, you're not only thinking your spellwork to death (lust for results,) you're also more or less making yourself crazy. It's not only bad for your mental health, and your spells, - it will impact your behavior towards your partner/desired partner in a negative way. I can't stress enough how important it is to LET IT GO and STOP OVERTHINKING, because you are not making anything better, nor are you preparing yourself for some outcome you imagined...you're making yourself anxious and panicky and that's it.
And to be fair, someone who can spend 1.5 hours on the phone with me discussing a like on a social media post and it's many possible meanings (other than someone liked your post) is probably way too obsessive to have a lot of success with spells. Your thoughts are directing those energies all over the place and putting them in a holding pattern. It's OK to have a few mild episodes of obsessive anxiety, but once you realize what you're doing, you need to make yourself stop. Try to tell yourself you have what you want already, it just has to arrive (much like a package in the mail). If you can't? You probably need a psychiatrist because you may have anxiety issues. I don't say that to be harsh, but a doctor can help you with racing and obsessive thinking patterns, and if you've suffered from them for a good portion of your life, it's fair to say you may have those issues.
Have someone uninvolved with everyone in the situation that you can talk to: I've said it before, but remember anyone who can have any connection to your desired partner/partner, can also repeat (or twist) what you said to that person, or to someone who would tell that person. People who want to "help" but who are involved with both of you are often not all that helpful, unfortunately. :/ I don't care if so-and-so is totally your bestie and will never tell anyone...if that person is connected in any way (even by being friends with x person who knows y person, who just happens to be friends with your desired person,) to your spell target (or partner/desired partner,) chances are, they will at least inadvertently tell someone who is going to tell your partner/desired partner.
I mean, embrace the reality that virtually no one wants to discuss your love life with you. Because of my job, many of my friends love talking to me because I'm so used to hearing people go on and on about their problems, that I can patiently listen and don't avoid them - but the average person really doesn't like hearing you go on and on about your love life. That isn't to make you feel bad, but rather to point out that if someone is trying to find out about your love life - actively asking you what's going on, - they probably have some motive for doing so which isn't that they just want to be your shoulder to cry on. In my experience, the motives are one of three things - they want a romantic relationship with you, they want to keep you away from your desired partner, or they just like creating drama and nonsense. Even if it is not one of those three negative motives, you're going to be a lot safer if you share your personal love-life information with someone who is in no way connected to the situation you're dealing with. They won't tell your intended partner anything you said, and can't share any of that information with someone who is familiar with your intended partner.
But it's going to help if you can talk about the problem when you need to. A trusted advisor, counselor, or even a friend with no connection to the situation is a must. Obviously, as discretion is my business, I would not tell your secrets, but I'm also not free to talk to (it's a paid thing,) and a psychiatrist is not free to speak to as well...you might try a priest/reverend/pastor, etc, or a friend you know who has no attachments to your desired partner, but make sure you have someone to vent to, and help you make a plan, when you need to.
Remember, a lot of people's behavior is more to do with themselves than to do with you: A very common problem I see people having is their own anger or anxiety arising from a partner's behavior...when often the behavior they are upset by has LITERALLY NOT ONE THING to do with them, but everything to do with their partner. For example, if one party is having a lot of job stress, they may become cold and remote at home, hoping that this cooled and distant behavior will shield their partner from their anger and stress. The other partner often decides this is something that they did to create this cold and distant attitude and they push for answers, only to get snapped at and told it's trouble with work. Unsurprisingly, this lack of communication causes a lot of distress and can break a couple up. While it would be great if we all communicated better, (which could prevent a lot of this from happening,) that isn't always how people work. If I'm angry or upset about something, I try to tell the person I'm speaking to why they may pick that up in my tone if it is nothing to do with them. Most people understand and appreciate this, example "I'm sorry, I just got off the phone with a very rude and difficult person. If I seem a bit short, it's nothing you did." But, OK, I'm willing to do that, what about the people who are not forthright?
Try not to assume you did something wrong. If you really have to search your mind as to what you might have did, when you've done nothing out of the normal and they liked normal, then chances are, it isn't something you did. You can ask the person if everything is okay. If they brush you off (so they say it's nothing), respect their space, and back off a bit. If the behavior continues, you might ask again, but realize...some people become emotionally remote assholes when stressed. :P By this, I mean, they will shut down and shut everyone out, and it's a very bad coping strategy in the long term. If you are this person, give yourself 1-7 days to shut people out, then try communicating with the people closest to you. Remember, they love you and want you to be happy. If you're with this kind of person, remember, this is their way of coping. If you can't deal with it, you risk making them feel cornered, and making them snap at you if you continue to push for answers. Try giving them some space, but when there has been 7-10 days of space, tell them you need to know what's wrong, as you're worried about them. DO NOT push this person for answers every single day the moment you notice this behavior, as it will often mean a fight. :P
And if you're not with someone (so you want someone,) keep in mind, there could be a lot going on in their life. If they aren't your partner, give them plenty of space. A lot of people do not want to divulge deeply personal issues that they may be going through to someone they only tangentially know. Don't just assume that they "hate you," or that they think you're awful. Trust me, most of the time the problem is nothing to do with you, and you're taking behavior personally that isn't even meant to offend you.
Do not compare yourself to your intended's past partners: One of the more unhelpful habits people have is asking me why their partner did x or y thing for their ex, why they won't do the same for them (often this is because they perceive the ex as being treated better). The best answer I can give is that their ex isn't you, and what you two have is unique. It can also be because their ex was bad enough that they won't put up with certain behaviors ever again. Whatever the reason, the reality is you are not their ex, and their ex isn't you, and no one is you.... It's not a contest. I have loved many people and have been in love a handful of times, and while I may no longer prioritize an ex as I once did, my loving that person in no way limits how I love my partner or why I love my partner. Love is not a finite resource. I love my friends and family and my partner, and feeling love for another person does not take away the love I have already. Stop thinking you need to be the only thing your partner cares about, because...
Jealousy/possessiveness is NOT attractive - it's insecurity: Let's admit it, we all feel jealous or insecure from time to time. It's best to let this be as fleeting as possible (again, life is not a contest, it's a journey,) but when you let jealousy overwhelm you, it's going to cause damage to your relationship. Some years ago, I had broken up with a partner who I was once very much in love with. This person then went out of his way to try to make me jealous. As I know that I am very special and there is only one Cat, I wasn't jealous. I actually would tell people (see above - people have motives to get in your personal business,) who asked what my feelings on the matter were about him dating this person that I love him very much, and I was very happy that he had found someone that made him happy. His reaction? All he did was talk about me! Ha! He wanted me to be jealous, and I wasn't. I wasn't afraid that I didn't matter. His attempts fell flat, and also did more to make me feel less attracted to him, whereas my confidence made me more attractive to him.
You know the platitude "If you don't love yourself, no one else will?" Well, that's trying to say that if you don't have any confidence (which is very attractive) your insecurity and jealousy will drive people away. When you get jealous or possessive, that feels needy, it feels clingy, it makes many people act mean, and it's just unpleasant.
Don't reward bad behavior/bad treatment from your partner: If you let someone get away with something with no consequences once, they will continue to keep making that mistake. I don't advocate behaving harshly (depending on the situation,) but you need to at least tell them what they have done is NOT ACCEPTABLE, and let them know that it has shaken your trust. If they try to pretend like the behavior is no big deal, tell them if they feel that way, you may need to end the relationship, because you have more self respect than to deal with that. I realize that's a risky thing to say, and they might leave. However, let me assure you, if you let someone do the same "bad behavior" 10 times with no consequences, the tenth time being when you finally speak up - they will leave. So, ask yourself if it is something you can deal with. If not, put your foot down and let them know what they are doing is not acceptable to you as soon as this behavior arises. Do not EVER reward a bad behavior with a positive reaction, or else expect that bad behavior to happen more than it would - because it gets a positive reaction.
Respect personal space: Please DO NOT go through someone's phone, someone's computer, someone's tablet, someone's mail, someone's drawers and closets, etc. While I obviously understand that can't always be absolute, (because sometimes people have gotten some worrisome and dangerous habits like drugs, or sometimes you have every reason to expect cheating,) realize everyone needs a little bit of privacy, even if you're their partner. I've had people who will start scrolling on my phone and looking through my contacts when I show them a picture. I've known people who will start reading a letter from a friend they don't share with me. I know people who go through anything and then tell me if I have nothing to hide, why do I care? Well, like anyone else, I care because it's personal. Were I being accused of cheating or lying about something, I'd gladly open my phone for them (or tell them the passcode,) and let them look for themselves, because I don't have anything I must hide, but at the same time like 99.9% of people on the planet, I like to feel like some things are just mine. It's the asking if you can dig into the deeper levels of my personal life and being granted permission to do so that shows how close we are - just demanding you go through my personal stuff daily like I'm an inmate in a jail is demeaning, rude, and obnoxious. I think most people feel this way.
I do realize that their are times where you need to cut past the respect of personal space, - because there is a serious problem, - but it is a sign of respect that you let someone have a little bit of privacy.
And if someone wants some LITERAL PHYSICAL SPACE, give it to them. Don't crowd someone or insist on being right next to them if they are feeling angry, upset, and uncomfortable and just want to gather their thoughts.
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I'm sure that I've missed a few big pointers, but those are the most-common ones I've advised people with lately. I hope it has been helpful!
~Cat
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