Hey Occulties,
Just wanted to share a somewhat amusing "death clock" story.... Because I did this to myself. So, I was behind on my rent. This isn't like "so behind you're evicted" behind, but let's just say I should have paid it by the 5th or so, but on the 5th I only had maybe 2/3 or so of it. This is all fine and well because I have til tomorrow to pay that until I get a mean letter from the landlord about paying it. I am also expecting a large transfer for double the rent amount, albeit late today. So I was "just going to make it" and avoid getting a mean letter. In fact, theoretically, I would even be able to make this payment at like 8am tomorrow, triumphantly missing the "mean letter" - although the letter's power is more than it is mean and less that it had horrible consequences.
Of course, as soon as I was starting the process of how this money would come in (so like around the 4th or 5th of the month,) it became abundantly clear I was going to be VERY CLOSE to my "mean letter deadline" on the 16th with this transfer. Instead of being my normal happy self, and assuming my whole life would work out and probably bring me the rent before the transfer came (which, sensibly, it would), I instead became fixated on this amount. Because, deep down, I fear the mean letter. It is just a mean shitty letter, but it makes me sad and angry and I don't like it. It's an irrational thing to be afraid of, but fear is often not really rational.
As I've told you many times before, you draw what you fear. To make matters worse, this also tends to make all your opportunities dry up and even draws other bad outcomes hither. So, on Thursday, despite my actually having 3/4 of my rent money, I was still secretly fearful that, despite the fact that I would normally have covered it that evening or the day after, there was a mean letter coming. I had to pay half a bill to someone, so I went to the ATM, withdrew that amount, and this still meant I had between 2/3-3/4 of my rent (my rent is HUGELY EXPENSIVE.) I woke up the next day, and my email detailed SEVERAL ATM WITHDRAWALS. To make matters even worse, these are all one after the other, in an oddly specific amount (the same amount which isn't a basic one people generally take out), and were clearly errors. I call my bank in a panic. No worries, they say, it will be fixed within the hour, you're OK, just a glitch. Except they didn't fix it. Friday was abnormally quiet but thinking I had the amount I should have in there, this was fine. It wasn't until Saturday that I realized that I DID NOT have that money in there. I called the bank. They assured me it would be back by Sunday night. It didn't return. This literally cleared me down to $9. I assure you, I was getting increasingly upset.
Over my head loomed "that fucking mean letter" that for no real reason, really bothers and upsets me. (Again, it's just a rude threatening letter that says "pay the fuck up," in nicer terms.)
So I call the bank. They make SO MANY FRIGGING EXCUSES IT IS STUPID. They try to tell me that x amount actually won't be returning because I spent it. I spend an hour arguing with an analyst, and he keeps naysaying me, and trying to say things like an electric bill I paid IN MARCH came out (it came out in March, not on Saturday, ugh.) I realize that I will have to print this all out, highlight everything and it will take like 2 weeks to settle it. Infuriating! Now I am getting more anxious. I borrow a little from my dad to get groceries. Immediately a membership to some club (like one of those monthly boxes,) takes the FULL BALANCE of my account. This is bad enough but worse when you consider that I cancelled that for being too expensive back in like January. I shit you not. So I write the company who bizarrely has no phone number (awesome!) and claims they will get back to you in like 24 hours or less (lies!). No response. Zero. I have several invoices out and people want stuff, but everyone is delaying payment. I check the large transfer and it's still not through (technically it can be midnight on the 15/16th, yay.) And I BS you not, if even $5 goes in, something will grab it out.
By last night, I was so fucking irritated about not having groceries (I could cobble some weird stuff together, but yeah, I wasn't exactly eating like a king, ha,) and all these bizarre financial foils and the fact that I could just bet I'd get that MEAN FUCKING LETTER! And people keep delaying this or that. Can they wait until after mean-letter deadline? Well, shit. I was so mad, I hardly slept.
I get up, see a payment, get some coffee, and I'm like "FUCK IT, I WILL PAY THE RENT AND AVOID THE LETTER - I WILL WORK!! ALL WILL BE WELL!" But deep down, some part was like "Oh, haha, fuck you, Cat, you will totes get a mean letter, teehee!" But adversity is usually my friend and makes me want to kick all adversity in the balls and overcome, so even though my inner mean voice was gloating that I'd get that letter, I had work to do, and I was going to woman up and kick today in the ass.
Yeah, today while on the phone with a client, guess who got the mean letter. I shit you not. It's technically 2 days early. It isn't to be sent until the 16th has passed, and I've never received one before the 17th. Amusingly enough, the client I was speaking to? We were discussing death clocks. I give her the lowdown on what is happening. I go "Watch this, I'm going to get people who want to pay me. I drew to myself what was scaring me, and now that it's happened, I will be paid."
Literally within 10-15 minutes I'd say, I get an email about a payment. I'm still on the phone with the client.
Then after I got off the phone 2 people wanted to discuss buying something. This is after days of hanging in the lurch here. I legitimately had $2 to my name for the better part of 3 days. This morning was slightly better, but...yeah... and I knew it. I knew my anxiety was delaying payments, and causing financial struggles, but...well, the transfer is marked on or by May 16. It would cover it. It should have been reassuring...however my fear of a mean letter caused everything to dry up, AND drew the damn letter to me early.
Oh, and that letter? I tore it up and threw it in the trash where it belongs. "Fucking pay up!" is not really scary. I don't know why it scares me on some level...probably that my moon in cancer is irked by the perceived adversity headed towards me. It certainly isn't near to the biggest or worst threat I've ever faced.
I presume that today is going a banner day for sales. Already looking up to be just that.
And this, my loves, is me showing you how fearing an outcome not only drew the outcome to me, but also created a small but horribly irritating financial shitstorm over myself...
See, even I get problems like this sometimes. Hope that gave some of you a smile,
~Cat
(hater of mean fucking letters)